The Unvegan » Heroes and Villains

Pandas: Unvegan Heroes

The Unvegan — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 17:00:45 +0000

He has a taste for blood!

For my whole life, I have had a lack of respect for pandas. Yes, pandas. They may be cute, but despite being genetically predisposed to eat meat, they had chosen a life of eating bamboo. This choice has led to their endangerment, because it takes a whole lot more bamboo to feed a panda than meat. But things seem to be changing. Pandas now have a taste for blood.

Out in Sichuan, China, a panda has been caught on camera feasting on the forbidden food and seems to be loving it. While the panda probably didn’t kill the antelope it seems to enjoy so much, one can only guess what the taste of blood may trigger in these bears. Once upon a time, their ancestors like meat and as the bamboo forests continue to decrease, I wouldn’t be surprised if a lot more pandas go retro.

So, for realizing meat is a viable meal and changing my negative perception of pandas, you pandas are now true Unvegan Heroes!

Check out the alarmingly awesome video here:

(via Daily Mail)

Herman Cain: Unvegan Hero

The Unvegan — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 17:00:36 +0000

With a little bit of ham, please.

The gotcha media folks have been especially hard on Herman Cain. And why? Just to get a good story and learn more about the man who once wanted to be president? For shame. Rest assured, Herman, while you won’t be the President of the United States, I am here with your fallback plan.

Question the extramarital affairs all you’d like, but know one thing about Herman Cain: the man appreciates his meat. In glaringly perfect English, Mr. Cain did an interview with GQ and while it covered a range of boring subjects, I managed to glean one great morsel of news from it. When Devin Gordon asked about pizza toppings, Cain responded with, “A manly man don’t want it piled high with vegetables! He would call that a sissy pizza.”

And who am I to disagree? His morals may be off, but his mouth-palette is on like Donkey Kong. So while his run for the White House may be dead and gone, the least I can do is offer him a role as King of Pizza Toppings. I hope he takes me up on it.

But while I wait for your response, Herman Cain, I must commend you on speaking your mind and recognizing how vegetables turn a manly pizza into a sissy pizza. You sir, are a true Unvegan Hero.

(via GQ.com)

Liam Hemsworth: Unvegan Hero

The Unvegan — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 17:00:59 +0000

We can't all be perfect...

I’m going to be up front with: until I started browsing the internet for meat news today, I had no idea who Liam Hemsworth was. But now, with the beauty of research, I can proudly proclaim him as an Unvegan Hero.

Why?

Well, it certainly has nothing to do with his poor decision to date Miley Cyrus. But before I get into some tirade about Miley and how damn catchy “Party in the USA” is, let’s concentrate on the meat at hand.

You see, Liam Hemsworth recently described what a meal is like at his favorite date spot, Steak and Shake. He said, “When I look over at her when she’s biting into a steak sandwich and there is some steak sauce dripping down her chin, there is nothing sexier than that.”

I might even be able to agree with that. Of course, I’ve never seen Miley dripping with steak sauce, but I have to imagine it is one of the few things that can make her sexy.

I just have to question the choice of Steak and Shake, because the last one I went to had a bearded lady that looked mildly tastier than the actual steak sandwich I ordered.

Yet, the point is that Hemsworth has realized that steak makes women sexy, and that is certainly something any good unvegan can agree with.

So, for realizing how aesthetically pleasing a smattering of steak sauce can look on the face of the one you are making extracurricular activities with, Liam Hemsworth, you are a true Unvegan Hero!

(via Yahoo)

Mischa Barton: Unvegan Hero

The Unvegan — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 19:00:07 +0000

Not just another piece of meat.

Remember that show called The OC? Me neither, but apparently it existed at some point and produced some famous people. One of these people was named Mischa Barton and while the majority of her career has disappeared since that show, she has recently reappeared, looking better than ever.

And why would she be looking better? Well, some photographer named Tyler Shields decided to do a little photo shoot with her. No, nothing creepy like that, but awesome in the sense that she is featured with some delicious steak. In all of the shots, the steak is served rare, but Mischa doesn’t seem to care. In one shot, she stares longingly at the steak dangling above her with her tongue out. In another, she takes a deep bite and inevitably, she finds the steak covering half of her face.

Finally, after years of searching for the perfect costar to reignite her career, I think Mischa has found it in steak. And we all know that anything that helps make steak look good, makes the unvegan lifestyle look even better. I can only hope that after the shoot, Mischa and Tyler threw that meat on the grill and had themselves a barbecue. I can’t picture any better way to end a photo shoot.

So, for allowing a beautiful steak to grace you with its presence, Mischa Barton, you are a true Unvegan Hero!

(via tylershields.com)

Brady Hoke: Unvegan Hero

The Unvegan — Fri, 02 Sep 2011 16:00:33 +0000

The look of someone who may have just eaten a steak.

Well, the time is upon us. College football has finally arrived, and if you know me, you you know that the past few seasons have not treated me too well. To say that my dear Wolverines of the University of Michigan have been performing below expectations would be like saying Hitler may have had questionable morals. But Wolverine nation can smell change for the better.

Enter Brady Hoke, the man originally regarded as the Jim Harbaugh backup plan. Since his hiring, he has charmed the pants off of Wolverines worldwide. We’re all counting on him to restore the glory of Michigan football, and that starts tomorrow. But winning and being charming are not enough to become an Unvegan Hero. No, it certainly takes more.

He has figuratively charmed the pants off of this Wolverine, my mom.

The state of Michigan’s resident journalistic genius, Mitch Albom, wrote an article the other day that compares the coming of Brady Hoke to a person giving up veganism. He writes, “The three-year Rich Rodriguez experiment was like an avowed meat-lover going vegan because everyone says he should, until he finally spits out the bean curd and says, ‘Gimme a steak!’” Ok, so maybe that’s a little more appropriate than my Hitler analogy, but you get the drift. When Albom asked if Hoke was a vegan, he replied, “No, sir!”

Damn straight. As the article continues, Albom continues to compare Hoke to steak and I’m starting to like the analogy. In fact, it’s only appropriate that Brady Hoke should become an Unvegan Hero in the same offseason that Jim Tressel became an Unvegan Villain. You know, just another chapter in the storied rivalry.

So for being the steak, for not being a vegan and bringing hope to rabid Wolverines, Brady Hoke, you are a true Unvegan Hero!

Go blue!

(via Detroit Free Press and my dad)

Bill Clinton: Unvegan Villain

The Unvegan — Wed, 24 Aug 2011 16:00:36 +0000

Would you elect this man?

Look at the man in that picture and yourself the question you ask anyone when you first see them: Would you elect them as president? Now, let’s forget about the fact that this man oversaw unparalleled economic growth during eight years of glorious peace. No, just judge him on looks.

You see, I would not elect this man just based on his looks. He seems malnourished and could use a few steaks. A few years ago, maybe he would have accepted those steaks or at least burger, but the Bill Clinton of today is a completely different animal – the herbivore variety of animal.

Ok, so he may have medical reasons for becoming a vegan. You know, a couple of heart procedures will do that to you. But whatever the reason, I am glad he is no longer the President of the United States. Respecting a vegan politician is like respecting a fat one – it just doesn’t happen (sorry, Taft). Yet, he could subside on the blood of newborns and still be a more respectable politician than W. Malnourished or not, there is a line.

(via CNN.com)

Sergio Vigalato: Unvegan Hero

The Unvegan — Tue, 02 Aug 2011 16:00:25 +0000

To eat or preserve?

While many were unsure whether to applaud or decry Lady Gaga’s meat dress, I took a stance and named her an unvegan hero. Sure, it was a waste of meat, but anyone that promotes meat is a friend of mine. But what happened to that dress? Was it eaten? Did it end up rotting away? Neither.

Instead, the dress was sent off to Sergio Vigalato, a taxidermist in Southern California. I would have eaten it, but Vigalato preserved it and it now finds itself on display at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland, where it is surely longing to be back in SoCal.

While it would have been better if the dress went straight into someone’s mouth (maybe after a little cooking), I can still hold out hope that the dress is still edible. Like a prosciutto. But odds are that this dress is doomed to remain on display until the end of time. Perhaps a waste of meat, but if it weren’t for Vigalato, the meat would have gone completely to waste.

So for preserving Lady Gaga’s meat dress for any visitor to Cleveland, Sergio Vigalato, you are a true Unvegan Hero!

(via timesunion.com)

Jim Tressel: Unvegan Villain

The Unvegan — Mon, 13 Jun 2011 19:00:21 +0000

Tricky Tressel, stop taking my meat.

As a lifetime Michigan football fan, Jim Tressel has been a villain to me since I first heard his name. Finally, much of the world is realizing how much of a villain he truly is, and not just in football. His villainy transcends sports and reaches into something very dear to me: meat.

But first, the football. For ten years as head coach of Ohio State, Tressel has played multiple ineligible players. Whether he knew this or not for most of his career is questionable, but there is no question that he knew about the players in the 2010 season. No one likes a cheater, except for some terrible humans in Ohio that would still jump in front of a bullet for the Vest, but his cheating has led to something much worse.

According to the Chicago Sun-Times, “The suburban Cleveland-based Hyde Park Prime Steakhouse served both a 14-ounce and 18-ounce version of the New York strip steak that carried Tressel’s name.” Operative word: served. Note the past tense, because that steak no longer exists.

Take away the ineligible victories, but come on, don’t take away my steak!

(Photo via mgoblog)

(Story via Chicago Sun-Times)

Justin Verlander: Unvegan Hero

The Unvegan — Thu, 12 May 2011 16:00:49 +0000

Keep eying that steak.

On Saturday, May 7th, Justin Verlander pitched the second no-hitter of his career. It’s a hell of an achievement and certainly one to be proud of. And sure, it’s cool that he is now one of only 30 pitchers in the history of Major League Baseball to throw multiple no-hitters, but the way he celebrated is even cooler.

You see, after his historic pitching game, Verlander headed to a restaurant called Barberians in downtown Toronto. It was there that he achieved his true unvegan glory by chowing down on a steak dinner with his fellow Tigers. Ever the humble Tiger, Verlander said, “To be honest, the thing I’m going to remember is having dinner with those guys.” Damn right he is, because while pitching a no-hitter may be awesome, the memory of steak is eternal. And to further his claim for unvegan glory, he proclaimed, “I’m a filet connoisseur.”

A connoisseur indeed. A connoisseur who pitches no-hitters, eats steaks and finishes off by picking up the check for the table.

So for all of this and for being on the greatest baseball team in the world, Justin Verlander, you are a true Unvegan Hero!

No word on whether he stopped for some poutine after dinner.

(via Tigers.com)

UPDATE 1/11/12: Tonight, Verlander solidified his position as one of the top Unvegan Heroes by professing his love for Taco Bell on Conan. Not only is Taco Bell his pregame tradition, but he orders the Cheesy Gordita Crunch and orders it all without tomatoes. Verlander is simply a winner all around.

Ron Swanson: Unvegan Hero

The Unvegan — Thu, 28 Apr 2011 16:00:44 +0000

How can you not be heroic with that mustache?!

Many of you out there have wondered whether a fictional character can be an Unvegan Hero and I am finally ready to answer that question with a resounding, “Yes!” But it isn’t easy – unless you’re Ron Swanson.

That’s right, the mustachioed genius from Parks and Recreation has finally achieved the rank of Unvegan Hero, and all it took was a little thing called a hamburger. In case you ever wondered what a hamburger means to Ron Swanson, the Parks and Rec website has your answer: Some meat and a bun. Need directions? “Grill the meat then put it on a bun. Eat it with your mouth, so that it goes into your belly. Repeat.” A simple recipe for a complex man.

But it takes more than that to become an Unvegan Hero. In reference to the lesser meat-burger known as a turkey burger, Ron Swanson asked, “Is that a fried turkey leg inside a grilled hamburger?” Could you imagine such a thing? Well, Eater.com made one and it looks amazing, because nothing beats meat on meat. Ooh that should be my new catch phrase. But I digress. Ron Swanson is awesome.

So for championing true burgers in a world filled with hateful health nuts all while sporting one of the greatest mustaches in the world, Ron Swanson, you are a true Unvegan Hero!