The Unvegan

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Behind the scenes of a heart attack

There comes a time in an unvegan man’s life when, despite his morals and convictions, he must give a group of people their due. With the Fifth Third Burger, my time has come. Finally there is a dish with vegetables that I dare write about with admiration.

First, a little background.The West Michigan Whitecaps, a minor league baseball team, plays at Fifth Third Ballpark, named for Fifth Third Bank. As a youth, Fifth Third Bank confused me. Was it the fifth rendition of the third bank? Perhaps the first and second banks had been attempted five times as well. What would the sequel be? Sixth Third Bank or First Fourth Bank? I was obviously quite bored. Then, the truth hit, it was simply because the Fifth National Bank and Third National Bank had merged at some point. Oh well, at least they have redeemed their disappointing name by having the Fifth Third Burger named for them.

The behemoth contains five 1/3 pound patties, a cup of chili, five slices of cheese, a layer of Fritos, cheese sauce, salsa and sour cream. Unfortunately, an unwise choice was made to top that all off with lettuce and tomatoes. In the hopes that these final toppings can be removed with ease, I praise the splendor that is the Fifth Third Burger. Supposedly, the prize for taking down this burger solo is a t-shirt. I, however, feel that no prize is truly necessary. To be able to tell people you ate the burger is prize enough. Well that and the 4,800 calories, 300 grams of fat, 744 milligrams of cholesterol and 10,000 grams of sodium.

For providing a burger beyond the wildest dreams of any unvegan, West Michigan Whitecaps, you are true Unvegan Heroes!

*Edit: Shout out to Aaron to enlightening me on the existence of this glorious-sounding burger.