The Unvegan

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A Birthgay at Hamburger Mary’s

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Care for a gay drink?

For her birthday, my roommate decided she wanted to turn one year older in a big, gay fashion. And what gayer place to go than to Hamburger Mary’s in West Hollywood? Unfortunately her day of birth didn’t fall on a Wednesday night for Drag Queen Bingo, so instead we settled for their Tuesday night all-you-can-eat Latino heat tacos. The prospect of unlimited tacos for eight bucks sounded great to me, but the place was called Hamburger Mary’s and I felt as though I needed some sort of burger.

I took a gander at the menu and quickly discovered a burger to end all burgers. It was called the Crazy Stack and was nothing short of a heart attack waiting to happen. This was one pound of burger sandwiched by three grilled cheeses (in place of buns), mac and cheese, avocado and bacon for 20 bucks. I wasn’t exactly sure how the physics of three grilled cheeses with one burger was going to work, but I figured that was something for the cooks and future me to worry about. Instead of worrying, I asked the waiter if he had ever seen anyone finish the stack. He said he hadn’t, but he had only been working there a couple of weeks and that they definitely should have some sort of plaque for those who do finish. I ordered my Crazy Stack in the hopes of earning an imaginary plaque and we ordered ourselves a massive margarita to start the night off right. When the margarita arrived, I introduced the group to fun little game called “Don’t Touch the Table.”

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Man that shit is crazy.

In this wonderful game, once the first person picks up the giant drink to take a sip, the glass isn’t allowed to touch the table until it has been emptied. No, that first person doesn’t have to drink it all, but it is passed around until the job is done. This took care of the first margarita pretty quickly and set us up for seconds. We took it a bit easier on the second round and by the time we finished, my heart attack…err…burger arrived.

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Ever eaten something bigger than your head?

A quick look showed that rather than a single one-pound patty, this burger had two half-pound patties and had grilled cheese around each like a gayer and somewhat paradoxically manlier Big Mac. The bun wasn’t the only thing special about this burger, though, rather than a toothpick through the center to hold this be together, there was a steak knife. I knew this would be my greatest attempt at unvegan glory and set to work in attacking the Crazy Stack. After the first bite, my jaw was already tired. It took at least two more bites to get from the top all the way to the bottom of the stack. Each bite was a bonafide orgy of meat, cheese and carbohydrates. An unvegan could hardly ask for more, except maybe for a but juicier burger. You see, I ordered my burgers cooked medium as always and they came out pretty well-done. I suppose I shouldn’t have expected much, considering the meal I had ordered, but I do think a bit more moisture in the stack would have helped me enjoy the experience more.

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The view from the inside.

This is not to say I didn’t enjoy the experience. I loved slowly eating away at the culinary monstrosity until I reached my breaking point. Then I ate even more. In the end, I took down about 3/4 of the behemoth. In the battle of unvegan versus Crazy Stack, the stack was the winner. I was undeserving of even an imaginary plaque, but I was still proud for what I had consumed. I may not have destroyed the monster, but I gave it a fight it won’t soon forget.

PS: If you ever go to Hamburger Mary’s, check out their bathroom. It is nothing short of awesome.