The Unvegan

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Brew and a Burger at Two Brothers Brewery
A Big Ass Burger at Roaring Fork
Tacos for the Sol
Feeling at Home at Detroit Coney Grill

‘Danger’

Living Dangerously

Apparently Russian roulette isn’t the only way to live dangerously. In fact, eating that side salad that came with your meal is like playing Russian roulette with your stomach. According to the Center for Science in the Public Interest, leafy greens are the most dangerous food you can eat. This has been determined by how often they cause outbreaks, which apparently is a lot. And the greens aren’t alone. They are joined by vegetable cohorts like tomatoes and sprouts in the top ten list.

When Vegetables Attack: Lettuce

Looks like you really don’t make friends with salad. In another vegetable-related salmonella case, lettuce from Tanimura & Antle Inc. seems to have been tainted with a nasty little uninvited guest. The company has issued a recall on 22,000 cartons of romaine lettuce, but to be safe I will avoid eating all products that could be related to lettuce. Specifically, all vegetables.

(via AP)

When Vegetables Attack: Organic Salad

Look out, loyal Canadian readers. It looks like deadly organic salad is now out to get you. According to the Times Colonist, organic salad from Vancouver Island is having some salmonella-related problem. The salad comes under the label of Kildara Farms Organic Gourmet Salad Greens, so if you have any of that laying around in your fridge in a 113 gram container with a best before date of June 25th, it’s time to send it back to Vancouver. In unrelated news, you probably shouldn’t eat salad that expired five days ago.

(via Times Colonist)

When Vegetables Attack: Alfalfa Sprouts Return!

alfafaJust when you thought it was safe to eat raw alfalfa sprouts, the salmonella returns!

In an incident unrelated to the last alfalfa attack, there is now a food company in Culver City, California recalling their alfalfa.

This time it’s from Kowalke Organics. They say it isn’t safe to eat a few of their products, which can be found here. Interestingly enough, they are primarily sold in the fancy grocery stores like Gelson’s and Whole Foods.

I am of the opinion that it’s never entirely safe to be eating raw vegetables, but when salmonella is involved, it just gets that much worse.

(via LA Times)

Danger: These are Not Animals

Warning:  Still a vegetable.
Warning: Still a vegetable.

Environmental Graffiti recently posted an awesome entry about vegetables that look decidedly un-vegetable. In fact, they look like they could be animals. It should serve as a warning to all unvegans out there that things are not exactly as they seem. Just like vegans can make tofu taste pretty similar to a turkey, these vegetables can look a lot like animals, but they will never be a substitute for the real thing. Check the rest out here.

Darius Dugger: Unvegan Hero

Would you accept pickles from this man?
Would you accept pickles from this man?

Whenever I go to Burger King, I make sure to order without any vegetables. Today a friend of mine told me that I am not alone. A man named Darius Dugger has a lawsuit claiming that he ordered a meal without pickles, onions and tomatoes and Burger King failed to give it to him his way.

According to Hamptonroads.com, Dugger had a “severe allergic reaction” to the vegetables. Now I’m not in favor of suing a corporation over an incident like this, especially when he should have looked between the patties before biting in, however, I am proud of him for bringing the incident to national attention.

When Vegetables Attack: Alfalfa Sprouts

Death by sprouts.
Death by sprouts.

Until today, the thought of alfalfa brought a smile to my face. Of course, I’m not referring to the strange green plant, but the strange little boy from The Little Rascals. His hair always inexplicably stuck up right in the back and for some reason I always found that entertaining. Now, however, the thought of alfalfa gives me chills that make the hair on my arms stick up.

The reason is salmonella. A disease that has been recently linked by the FDA to alfalfa. They are recommending people avoid raw alfalfa sprouts until further notice (or until the end of time if you read between the lines in the way I do). Supposedly other sprouts are safe, but I wouldn’t rule out some sort of a sprout conspiracy.

In the long line of vegetable attacks, we unvegans now just have one more compelling reason to avoid those deadly and diseased vegetables.

(via Serious Eats)

When Vegetarians Attack: The Environment

titleAs if you need another reason not to become a vegetarian, today’s entry in the day-by-day calendar, “What’s Your Poo Telling You?,” should give you enough of a reason.

According to the calendar:

  • The average lifetime production of poo: five tons.
  • 150 grams of stool per day x 365 days per year x 80 years = 4380 kilograms (9656 lbs.) of stool.
  • A vegetarian diet can produce fifteen to twenty tons over a lifetime!

That’s a lot of extra vegetarian poo, which obviously has disastrous personal and environmental consequences. All those extra hours spent sitting on the toilet when they could be out spending time with the family or searching for protein supplements? And imagine just how much extra water the vegetarians use to flush their abnormally persistent bowel movements. Not only that, but the amount of waste generated by the said vegetarian movements must reach monumental heights.

Is it really worth saving the edible animals, just to see Earth’s ecosystem suffer? Remember, if there is no world, there won’t be any plants or animals.

Oh yeah, bonus points go to Fi for getting me this wonderfully disturbing calendar.

When Vegetables Attack: Mexican Salad

Los Simpsons sing such truth.*

On a recent sojourn down to Cancun, Mexico, I decided to be a little adventurous. Some may say foolish, but I prefer adventurous. For days, I had spent my time at the resort happily eating meats, cheeses and fruits. I was in bliss, and for my final meal, I sat down to order something fancy. In doing so, I committed a great sin against my fellow unvegans. It is a moment I scarcely remember, and I almost feel as if some sort of vegetable demon took possession of my body and held on just long enough to force me to spout the words required to ask for a salad to accompany my utterly meaty main course.

No sooner than an hour after my meal concluded, I found myself pacing around my hotel room, pondering the volatile chemical reactions occurring deep within the confines of my belly. I headed to the bathroom, to find that Montezuma had decided to exact his revenge upon me through an intense case of the runs. When I had completed my initial bowel cleansing, I went back into my room to consider whether the recent movement was due to the salad. As if to answer, a wave of nausea swept over me and carried me into the bathroom for a vomit full of salad. As the lettuce left me, I also felt as if I was exorcising myself of the vegetable demon. I had made a most terrible mistake and was paying for it tenfold. It is a mistake I never plan to make again.

*Thanks to my buddy and one-time euchre partner over at the protean pantry for reintroducing me to such a marvelous clip. I took the liberty of further researching and came upon a most glorious Spanish rendition of the clip.

When Vegetables Attack: Foraging

Touch, but don't eat.
Touch, but don't eat.

The forest looks like a starving man’s dreamland; a virtual cornucopia of food. Greenery and growth is everywhere. It is so alive, and seemingly so edible. Sure, there are plants in the forest that can be eaten and potentially digested, but the taste alone should be enough to drive anyone away.

Now there is even more cause to fear wild plants: death. According to the AP, a man recently passed away after eating wild (amanita ocreata) mushrooms in Santa Barbara.

While tragic, this just goes to show that vegetables are out to kill. To make matters worse, he had picked the mushrooms so he could eat them with a steak. This certainly ruined what could have been a perfectly good (and safe) meal.

In the wild, as in the real world, vegetables must be considered a dangerous threat. How many more lives do they have to take before we all join together and say “Enough!”?