The Unvegan

NOTE: While this location may be closed, this review unquestionably applies to all other Tommy’s

When I first moved to LA, a friend of mine told me a story about Tommy’s Burgers. Apparently the success of the original Tommy’s spawned a multitude of strange chili cheeseburger places with various spellings of the word Tom or Tommy. In all this confusion, I didn’t know where to find the place that started it all, until my friend enlightened me to the location of an Original Tommy’s in Santa Monica. Now, even though it is called Original Tommy’s, the true Original Tommy’s is on LA’s east side. Confused? I was too. At least until I got to Tommy’s.

Once I got there, everything became clear to me. Having just finished a game of tennis, I found the way to reproduce all the calories I had incidentally burned, the Mega Combo. This combo featured a triple chili cheese burger and chili cheese fries, with a drink bigger than my office’s water cooler. This Mega Combo is not just a meal, it’s a gamble that you’ll survive eating it long enough to look back on it with pride, like storming the beaches of Normandy. I had to make it mine.

To get the purest, most unadulterated burger, I ordered without pickles, onions, tomatoes and mustard. Even with the crummy debit card surcharge, my meal cost $9, and once I saw my Mega Combo, I knew it was worth every penny.

The bun was so loaded with ingredients that it couldn’t hope to contain and I tried my best (read: failed) to keep it clean. Every bite was filled with artery-clogging delight. I had ordered my fries well-done in the hopes that they wouldn’t lose the crunch after being drowned in chili and cheese, and my plan worked. The crunchy fries made the perfect companion to my brush-with-death burger.

When I finally finished it all, I wanted to stand upon a podium and thank all my adoring fans. Instead, I just did my best to retain my memory of the burger while supressing thoughts of how much shorter my life expectancy had become.