The Unvegan

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One Coin, Two Sides, Part I: Father’s Office

Oh what have they done?!
Oh what have they done?!

For a huge selection of beer, Father’s Office is the place to go. They also happen to have a reputation for one of the best burgers around town. With this in mind, I set off for the Father’s Office in Culver City to get myself a taste of their legendary burger.

On the menu, I saw they had a few pretty good unvegan options, but they had a reputation for burgers and that’s what I had to get. It came with carmelized onions, some sort of bacon substance, arugula, gruyere and maytag blue cheese. This already wasn’t looking good. Then I saw on the menu that the burger couldn’t be special ordered. You either get it the way they make it, or you don’t get it at all. We aren’t exactly talking a steak dinner here, so I felt it was pretty pretentious for a burger. Nevertheless, I felt the need to try the burger.

When it came, it looked just as terrible as I had expected. The layer of arugula was thicker than the layer of burger itself. Then there were the carmelized onions, which had totally adhered themselves to the cheese. The entire shape of the burger had diverged from the roundness we know and love into a sort of ovular shape, with a bun to match. Before picking all the veggies off, I had to give the burger in its entirety a shot.

I took a bite…

And nearly spit it all back up.

It took a lot of effort to swallow down the arugula and onion bits, but luckily I had a fancy beer to help propel it downward. After, I immediately set to work at picking out the veggies. It took a while, and left my fingers feeling carmelized, but I finally did it.

When I finally set to eating my burger, it had been reduced to a size unworthy of the $12 I had spent on it. The burger, I have to admit, tasted pretty good, but stray bits of carmelized onions kept making their way into my bites. It also dawned on me that I had no taste of bacon. Was the bacon hidden somewhere amongst the carmelized onions that I had picked out? Or worse, was it never there in the first place?

It took me about as much time to pick out the veggies as it ultimately took me to eat the burger. If only Father’s Office would have shown some perspicacity and allowed me to order the burger I had wanted, my experience may actually have been enjoyable. Instead, it made me long for a better burger.