The Unvegan

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Behold! A Speech

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That does not make me hungry.

Last week I gave a speech at Toastmasters. It was about food. But not toast. Here is the transcript:

Right now it’s about lunchtime, but if you’re anything like me, you’re probably wondering what you’re going to eat for dinner. When looking for a good dinner, I have a set of criteria to help me determine whether the place is worth my while.

First – I don’t want the same old thing.
Second – I’m looking for something creative.
Third – I want meat.
Fourth – The price must be right.
Fifth and finally – The meal should give me a good story.

So what restaurant fits that bill and should be your dinner tonight? None other than Taco Bell!

You see, I love Taco Bell. A lot. Some of you may know about my food blog and think I’m only into gourmet stuff, but I am just as happy with a meal from Taco Bell as I am with a pizza from Pizzeria Mozza. This love is deep and goes back to when my age was a single digit and I would go every Thursday with my dad and eat two soft tacos and some nachos. You probably think I’m crazy, and maybe I am, but it really does fit into that set of criteria I just mentioned.

To start off, Taco Bell is not the same old thing. If you’re tired of eating Mexican food, fear not, because Taco Bell is not Mexican food. Alright, it may be inspired in some way by the delicious cuisine south of the border, but Taco Bell has stepped up its game and created incredible dishes that the Mayans never dreamed of while mashing corn and predicting the end of the world.

Second, you just can’t question the creativity of Taco Bell. Do you realize how brilliant the minds at their headquarters are? I’m pretty sure Taco Bell has turned about 6 ingredients into 50 different menu items. From gorditas to chalupas to five-layer burritos, the menu possibilities of Taco Bell seem endless. Whenever a new item is released I’m amazed to see how they managed to use beef, cheese, a tortilla and beans to create an entirely new product. If that isn’t genius, I don’t know what is.

The epitome of this creativity is called the Cheesy Gordita Crunch. It’s a hard shell beef taco wrapped in a gordita with melted cheese holding the two shells together. To top it all off, they squirt some baja sauce into the taco part, which ties this epic culinary creation together. You can see the creativity just oozing out of it. Throw some fire salsa on top of that and you’ll be breathing and sweating creativity for the rest of your night.

Third, Taco Bell has the meat. I don’t know if any of you were paying attention to the fast food news a few months ago, but someone did research into Taco Bell’s beef and found that it was only 88% beef, with the rest being seasonings and other extraneous bits of deliciousness. Some were outraged, but I can’t understand why. To me this was great news. 88% beef, like from an actual cow! I’ll take 12% beef as long as it’s real and tastes as amazing as Taco Bell.

The fourth reason why you should go to Taco Bell for your next meal is the price. There’s really no questioning that Taco Bell offers some of the cheapest food this side of a Costco Hot Dog. For the price of valet at Beverly Hills restaurant, you can churn out a hell of a feast. You know how a lot of places brag about their dollar menu? Taco Bell laughs at these places with a menu that starts at 89 cents! Start with nachos for an appetizer, a five layer burrito and a taco for your main course and some cinnamon twists for dessert. It will be the greatest meal you’ve ever eaten for a whole 3 dollars and 76 cents. Throw in a handful of those sauce packets and you’ll have yourself a meal worth writing a speech about.

The fifth and final reason you should go to Taco Bell for your next meal is to get a great story. I can’t tell you any restaurant in the world that has given me so many great stories, like the one time I was standing in line with a friend at the Taco Bell in Santa Monica. A girl came up to us and told us we had to order the Cheesy Gordita Crunch. Little did she know that we were already ordering this culinary wonder. She then proceeded to tell us how her sister had actually invented the gordita crunch. If the president offered out his hand for me to shake right now, I’d be pretty excited about it. But that would pale in comparison to meeting the sister of the inventor of the gordita crunch. If you find yourself at Taco Bell tonight, maybe you’ll have an even better story!

Wow, this is making me hungry.

And if your mouth isn’t watering right now, check your pulse because you may be dead. Taco Bell fits into my eating criteria perfectly and it should also fit into yours. It’s not just the same old Mexican food, the creativity knows no bounds, is made with 88% beef, is unfairly cheap and can lead to a fantastic story. Oh and did I mention how great it tastes? Those are the ingredients for the perfect meal. So head for the border tonight. You won’t be sorry.