The Baconator.

It sounds like something from a movie. A robot powered by bacon? A statue of Arnold Schwartzenegger composed entirely of bacon? Or, perhaps, it is just the name of Wendy’s greatest hamburger creation.

Despite the beauty of Wendy’s Value Menu, the Baconator is always the unvegan choice. This heart attack between buns is made of two 1/4 pound burger patties, two slices of cheese and six strips of bacon. The best part? Not a vegetable in sight.

When the Baconator arrived, all wrapped up in the foil/paper hybrid, it was a little on the small side. Nevertheless, I began eating, and I have to say I was a bit disappointed by the bacon. The thin strips were slightly thicker than a piece of paper, which made the six strips of bacon about the equal of two regular strips of bacon. On the positive side, the bacon was pretty crisp and not really fatty. The rest of the burger was square-shaped and delicious. By the time I finished, the caloric intake had overpowered the smallish size of the burger and I was quite full.

Wendy’s makes some of the best fast-food burgers around, and despite the mild disappointment of the actual bacon, the Baconator is a great way to get away from the vegetables and send any vegan in a five-mile radius running for cover.

It may not be grilled chicken, but Domino’s had their own little free food giveaway yesterday. This was done in order to promote their new Bread Bowl Pastas. It was also probably to make people feel better about going to Domino’s again after a couple disgruntled workers attempted to sabotage the company.

I was already intrigued by the Bread Bowl Pastas because they look so good on TV, but I found out they were free, they become more of a necessity than an intrigue. I went to Domino’s in El Segundo, expecting to wait in a long line like I had at El Pollo Loco, only to find one other patron at the place. Of the five pasta choices, only the Chicken Alfredo and Italian Sausage Marinara weren’t tainted by vegetables. After having free chicken for my two prior lunches, I opted for the sausage instead.

It took about ten minutes for them to whip up my bread bowl pasta, then I headed out to eat it. When I opened the box containing my meal, I was a little disappointed, because it looked like an overwhelming amount of bread with just a little pasta. Maybe this was a little paranoid, because when I stuck my fork in, I found that the pasta ran pretty deep into the bowl and there definitely wasn’t too much bread. I probably wouldn’t pay seven bucks for one of these on a regular day, but the pasta wasn’t bad even though I felt as if I could make it at home. The real difference-maker was the bread bowl.

If only everything could be made in a bread bowl. Fewer dishes to wash. Less water used for washing them. Less trees chopped down to make paper bowls that eventually end up in landfills. What a wonderful world it would be.

Not to be outdone by the free grilled chicken giveaway at KFC, El Pollo Loco decided they were going to give away some free chicken of their own on April 28th. Rather than simply giving away a free drumstick, El Pollo Loco jumped to the next level by giving away a drummie, a thigh, two tortillas and, of course, salsa from the salsa bar was included. There was a catch, however, that you had to say “I wanna taste the fire” when you ordered. Being my shameless self, I had no trouble proclaiming my desire for fire when I reached the front of the long line.

Within a few minutes, I had received my food. They were working like an assembly line in the back of that restaurant, giving them the edge on KFC for timeliness. When I opened my styrofoam box, I have to say I had low expectations. Although I had never had chicken from El Pollo Loco, I did have a disappointing experience with their regular Mexican food.

I sliced off the pieces of chicken from the thigh and put them in the tortilla. Then I took my two sauce choices, spicy avocado and salsa de arbol and poured them on top to make a sort makeshift hobo burrito. I bit in and was pretty happy with what I got. The chicken tasted a lot better than KFC’s grilled chicken, and it was great that El Pollo Loco really went all out with their free chicken offer. If I’m ever in the mood for grilled chicken from a fast-food restaurant, my choice will have to be El Pollo Loco.

PS: The Free Food Rating is different from my regular rating, since I went to El Pollo Loco solely for the free option and all food tastes better when it’s free.

For weeks I have been hearing about the free grilled chicken at KFC on April 27th. I even wrote it down on my calendar to make sure I didn’t forget. I’ve never really been a fan of regular KFC, but the prospect of a place called Kentucky Fried Chicken making grilled chicken intrigued the hell out of me.

Online, it said the free chicken would only be one piece, but I figured it would be a good opportunity to re-acquaint myself with some of the older KFC options. I pulled up to the drive-thru window and asked the speakerbox if they were still giving away grilled chicken. The voice replied back that they were, but it was only one piece and apparently it would take another seven minutes to cook. This was already a bad sign…there’s a reason it’s called fast food. To go with my single piece of chicken, I ordered the KFC buffalo chicken snacker, without lettuce. I then pondered who thought it would be a good idea to just toss a piece of lettuce on that sandwich. It couldn’t possibly add anything to it and I’m sure it would have distracted from the actual taste of the chicken. Anyway, I also got a popcorn chicken snack basket, which came with potato wedges (also known as fries).

When my seven minutes of holding up the line had concluded, I collected my food and drove off. First, I opened up the box with the grilled chicken, only to see a they would have given me something a little bigger. I bit into it, only to taste the gooey chicken underneath the grilled skin. Gooey in this case is not a good thing. The flavoring was just ok, but the quality of the meat left a lot to be desired. I felt that it actually tasted less healthy than regular fried chicken. Whether it was healthier or not made no difference to me, because if I really wanted healthy food I wouldn’t have been at a KFC in the first place.

On the other hand, my other chicken dishes were great. The buffalo chicken snacker had a piece of chicken so big it couldn’t even fit within the bun boundaries. This was pure buffalo chicken uninhibited by any vegetables. The sauce was at a comfortable spice level that didn’t get close to burning my tongue, but certainly wasn’t mild. The popcorn chicken snack basket was a great surprise. The whole box was stuffed with those tasty little chicken pieces and wedges, making it well-worth the 1.99 price tag.

In the end, the fried chicken really redeemed KFC, where the grilled chicken failed me. Sometimes I think it’s just better to stick to what you know best.

While never my first choice in late-night food, Del Taco is sometimes just too damn convenient to go anywhere else.

Despite the obvious Mexican origins of it’s name, Del Taco eschews the Mexican fast food norm by tossing in a few American favorites, like fries and burgers.

These additions definitely help cater to the late-night crowd like me, but they also take away a bit of Del Taco’s identity. When I go to a Taco Bell, I know I’m getting Mexican food, but when I go to Del Taco, I can’t be sure of what sort of food I’ll be ordering until I get there.

I found that a good combo involves a selection from their value menu. I like to start with their half-pound bean and cheese burrito with green sauce. The cheeseburger, without pickles, makes a good companion. To finish it off, I like a dose of the regular nachos. Sometimes, when I am in the mood for more meat, the spicy chicken burrito makes a nice substitute for the bean and cheese. This combination makes for a pretty decent unvegan meal, but I always finish thinking I could have done better. The burrito is a great value, to be sure, but the nachos seem like they were just taken out of a plastic bag. The cheese on the nachos, as well, feels entirely generic. Meanwhile, the burger is good for a Mexican fast food joint, but doesn’t really hold up if you compare it to the likes of Wendy’s or In-N-Out.

In the end, it’s enough to leave me content, but not enough to make me crave.

Pardon the pun above, but it had to be done. Anyway, when I saw the Pizza Hut commercial for the Panormous on TV the other night, my friend and I just looked at each other and realized we had to have it. It also helped that it was being advertised for only $10! The next day, we set off in search of this mega-pizza.

Our search took us down to Manhattan beach, where we ordered our Panormous with pepperoni. Strangely, or conveniently, it turned out that the Panormous is really two pizzas, both the same size. This was fine by us, as it made it quite easy to make sure we both had the same amount of food. The only trouble is that I think Pizza Hut did this so they wouldn’t have to use as much cheese and sauce on those middle, crustless pieces that are usually borne from a rectangular pizza. Luckily, the Pizza Hut crust is so loaded with oil, it goes down just as smooth as the rest of the pie.

I found the pizza to be mostly dough, with a light layer of sauce and cheese. I would have preferred a bit more sauce and much more cheese. There were just enough pepperonis to satisfy me, but the pizza could have used a lot more. In one sitting, I managed to wolf down the entire eight pieces of my Panormous. I watched in sadness as my friend was only able to eat half of his, in spite of the fact that he didn’t even finish his crust. I suppose we can’t all be obnoxiously unhealthy eaters like me. Upon finishing my last slice, a fell into a deep food coma that lasted through the afternoon. I had many conversations with many people, yet I could hardly tell you what transpired in any of them. There are very few foods that have this incapacitating ability, and the Panormous is certainly one of them.

When I first learned of Padma Lakshmi doing a commercial for Hardee’s, I knew I would have to eat whatever she did. Luckily, her burger of choice was the Western Bacon Thickburger.

Now here is where things get a little confusing. In California, there is no Hardee’s. Instead, there is Carl’s Jr., which is almost exactly the same as Hardee’s. A quick look at their websites reveals only a change in the name. The logo and layouts remain the exact same. There is, however, another twist. At Carl’s Jr., there is no such thing as a Thickburger, rather, it is called the Six-Dollar Burger.

I went to the Carl’s Jr. in El Segundo, eager to take a bite out of Padma’s burger. Strangely, I found that all the Six-Dollar Burgers cost about a dollar less than their names would suggest. Fine by me. I asked the cashier what was in the burger and she told me it was bacon, cheese, onion rings and barbecue sauce. I could tell by the pictures of the other burgers that there would be no better unvegan options. The Western Bacon Six-Dollar Burger was so close to being a deliciously unvegan burger, but despite the fact that the onions on it were deep fried to a level of unhealthiness, I could not allow for them to be on my burger.

When my number was called, I grabbed my burger and began to eat. The loss of the onion rings made the burger a whole lot smaller than I would’ve liked. It didn’t look nearly as sexy as the one I had seen Padma eating, but upon biting into it, I felt that I could no longer complain. Rather than the typical cookie-cutter fast food burger, the consistency of this patty felt like it had been hand-compacted. The rest of the ingredients mixed pretty well with the beef. Sadly, it was over all-too quickly and I kind of wished the burger had been bigger even if it meant that it would have cost me six dollars. Most importantly, though, was that once I finished, I felt a connection with Padma Lakshmi that could never be broken.

As I developed through my adolescence, McDonald’s made a descent to the bottom of my fast food choices. I can offer no clear reasoning for this except that their food just rubs my tastebuds the wrong way. In fact, I am sometimes proud to say that the only time I eat McDonald’s is outside the country. This statement, however, has a minor disclaimer. And that disclaimer is the McDonald’s breakfast.

McDonald’s breakfast has always been something of a mystery. Few people, if any, know when they stop serving it. Sometimes I wonder if even the employees of McDonald’s have a set time that they know when to cut breakfast off. The breakfast is so rare that when you do see one, you almost feel forced to partake in it, whether you’re hungry or not.

So, despite my better judgment, somewhere between LA and San Francisco, I went to McDonald’s to eat their famed breakfast. I ordered a Bacon, Egg and Cheese McMuffin, Hot Cakes (pancakes) and Hash Browns. This was more of a break-feast than a mere breakfast, and I started to eat away at it. Perhaps it was the rarity of the meal that made it taste so good, but I could honestly say I was happy to be eating McDonald’s.

Soon after, as my stomach began to digest, my opinion did a 180. A friend of mine once told me that eating fast food is like a one-night stand. It seems like a great idea while you’re doing it, but no sooner than it’s over, you feel uncomfortable. This was completely how I felt after the McDonald’s and was unfortunate enough to a have a three-hour car ride to suffer through during my painful digestive process.

Few places offer slices as gigantic as S’barro. Their Super Slice is filling like no other (non-stuffed) pizza. Last time I went, I scanned the slices of pre-cooked pizza. Aside from pepperoni and sausage, most of the slices had some sorts of veggies. I ordered a slice of the pepperoni and sausage together. From the few slices of that combo they had, I decided to be a jerk and point out the larger piece in the hopes that the friendly lady behind the counter would take it aside for me. She did, and my heart leapt for joy.

She took the slice from the counter and slid it into the oven as I happily awaited my slice of meaty goodness. It came out of the oven sizzling and full of the scent of meat.

Unfortunately, it didn’t taste as good as it smelled. The cheese had a mildly rubbery texture and the dough was a little thicker than I would have liked. The meats were as good as could have been expected from a S’barro pizza and the slice was certainly super. By the time I finished, I wouldn’t be hungry again for a long while.

While not one of my preferred restaurants (if you can call it that), Jack in the Box recently had a promotion for free medium curly fries, so I took a ride down Sepulveda to take advantage.

Knowing the fries wouldn’t be enough, I got myself a few extra items from the menu. The first choice was two tacos for 99 cents. zenescorts.ch. The value in this is unbelievable, even though I had to get them without lettuce. The meat is certainly not of the highest quality and they use melted American cheese, but still, 99 cents.

On top of that, I got the Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger. Another great value. Trying to mix up the meats, I added a chicken sandwich to the load, completing my multi-ethnic, multi-meat meal. The chicken sandwich usually comes with lettuce, so I had to make a special arrangement to get it without.

The food was about as cheap as could be, and it showed with the taste. Jack in the Box passed the vegetable test with flying colors by not accidentally getting any veggies in my food. This is no small feat for a fast food place.