I have spent countless sleepless nights considering the fact that eating vegetables shortens the lives of poor, defenseless vegetables. Until now, however, I hadn’t considered them a danger to humans other than the foul taste and the occasional e. coli outbreak.
That all changed when a friend informed me of the anguish she endured last week when using a “veggie slicer,” aka “death machine.”
In an attempt to make herself a nice (tasteless), safe (vegetable-laden) meal, she innocently grabbed for the death machine, having no clue what danger lurked within the machine’s dark soul. “I was slicing some veggies on a veggie slicer. The vegetable got stuck and I tried to get it loose and sliced my fingers,” she cried emphatically. Asked whether this would have happened if she had chosen to eat meat instead, she replied, “No.”
Eight stitches later, she is no longer such an innocent vegetable eater. She is now a grizzled veteran forever doomed to look over her shoulders for fear of a loose death machine and further stitches.