The Malibu Cafe might be one of the coolest places to hang out in LA. The sprawling grounds are like an Anthropologie fan’s orgasm, with box lights, upside down umbrellas, giant chess pieces and pillows with words on them. Plus, it’s super family friendly. After winning me over at the Burger Battle in Santa Monica earlier this year, I was eager to find out what the restaurant itself would be like.

We began with some calamari that was, well, like any other calamari out there. At least that was my opinion as a guy who rarely gets calamari, but definitely knows when calamari is special. So I moved on to the Smoked Mac & Cheese. This was definitely a step up from the calamari, being creamy, crunchy and cheesey. Yet, it still wasn’t quite something I was super impressed with. After these two foods, I found myself confused. Their burger had been so damn good, but I was still not floored by what I was eating. That’s when I found myself face-to-face with their burger again.

Only this time it was the burger from the regular menu, as opposed to the special I had eaten at the event. This burger came with cheddar, aioli and some veggies that I had no need for, plus a side of fries. I ordered it medium-rare and when it came out it looked shiny and delicious. I bit in and was instantly met with satisfaction. The burger was cooked perfectly and the meat was nicely ground. The cheese and aioli just added to the flavor. Yet, while this was a nicely executed fancy cheeseburger, it still was nowhere as good as the burger from the Burger Battle.

I should also mention that The Malibu Cafe does pretty poorly with service. Everyone that works there is super nice, but obviously spread incredibly thin, resulting in copious delays. It’s definitely not a place to visit when you’re in a rush. But then, this is Malibu so you should never be in a rush.

Alas, my final thoughts upon leaving were that food is secondary as The Malibu Cafe. It’s a place to gather, to hang, to feel hipster and to see beautiful people. The food comes after that and might not blow any minds, but doesn’t fully disappoint either.

The coastal land of Malibu is populated by celebrities attempting to avoid the real world and regular people who want to avoid the crowds of LA’s more local beaches. It’s also sparsely populated by restaurants that want nothing more than to serve a subpar meal while providing a breathtaking view. Or at least that’s how it usually goes – a great view = decent food. Hoping to avoid that trend, the Danto family brought back memories of high school and college by taking me, their son’s greatest friend of all time, to lunch. The Danto clan had chosen Paradise Cove and I was excited to find out what they had to offer.

Parking at Paradise Cove was the first hurdle we had to jump. At $3 for 4 hours with validation, this was quite literally the only parking available that didn’t risk ticketing. But as far as city parking goes, this was a small price to pay. The next hurdle was getting seated, and although we had a reservation, we still had to wait a good 20 minutes to be seated. This was a poor show, but at least there was a nice beach and pier to visit outside while we waited. Well, sort of. Let it be known that if you are going to Malibu to avoid the crowds of LA beaches, Paradise Cove is not for you. But, if you are not lazy, a 5-10 minute walk past the restaurant takes you some pretty empty patches of beach.

Enough about beach, let’s get back to the food, because after our wait we were finally seated and could check out the menu. Disappointingly, I found myself staring at a menu dominated by seafood. I endorse seafood as consumption of animal, but I really don’t care for the stuff. Fortunately, seafood places usually like to offer some basic chicken or beef dishes and Paradise Cove was no different. I located a BBQ Chicken Breast Sandwich and decided to make it my own. It came with lettuce, tomato, onion and mayonnaise, but I ordered mine plain. Similar to seafood, I support the existence of mayonnaise, but have little need for it (especially when I have BBQ sauce to keep my sandwich moist). It also came with a choice of cole slaw or “golden french fries” and I chose the fries.

When the sandwich arrived, I was appalled to find that a spear of a pickle had taken up residence upon my plate. I whisked it away while wondering what kind of a person would order a plain sandwich, but still want a pickle spear. Clearly a crazy person, and I am not one of those. I put the bun together and got to eating. What a found was a pretty good sandwich. The chicken was tender, moist and well-grilled, while the BBQ sauce had some nice sweet and tangy flavor to it. I was glad they hadn’t just busted out some KC Masterpiece and had opted for something a bit unique. The toasted bun went well with the sandwich, but one of my first bites was tainted with the vile concoction known as pickle juice. It was only one bite, but it was one to remember. So in the end I found it to be just a good sandwich at a place with a stellar view.

Those golden fries, however, were just as stellar as the view. With the girth of fast food fries, these suckers had been fried to the perfect degree of crispiness. And they managed to maintain a chewy center all the while. Pretty amazing.

And to wash it all down, Irwin spotted a chocolate cake he wanted us all to take part in. I usually have no need for chocolate cake or really any dessert, but I would not let the Danto family down on this one. When the massive slice of cake arrived, I happily munched on a couple of bites while letting the rest of the crew take down the lion’s share.

So would I recommend Paradise Cove for visitors to Malibu? Yes and no. Yes, it is a cool place to check out. The sandwich was not bad and the beach was pretty sweet. Plus, if you like seafood, the fish eaters at the table were both quite happy with their orders. One was the opah fish and the other was clam chowder with a sandwich quite literally dipped in it. I, though, probably wouldn’t return to Paradise Cove. I’m glad I got to try it, but there are plenty more restaurants with beaches in the sea of Malibu and I am eager to test them all out first.

For a nice little seaside lunch, we headed to Moonshadows in Malibu. I couldn’t stop myself from humming Cat Stevens as I pulled my car up next to the Pacific Coast Highway and headed in for my meal. Although the outdoor seating area was full, we found ourselves a nice little ocean view window with a door open nearby so we could get a little taste of the ocean breeze. I took a look at my menu and immediately knew what I had to order.

This would be the Niman Ranch Wild Boar and Cranberry Sausage with Stone Ground Grits. As if that wasn’t enough, it also came with Fuji Apple raisin gravy and fried hickory smoked bacon chips. I was deeply intrigued by wild boar being from a ranch. In my mind, that would make it a domestic boar and no longer wild, but maybe I just don’t know the first thing about farming swine.

I enjoyed my company and view as I waited for my boar, and when it came, it looked beautiful, except for the couple of pieces of green on top of it. I flicked these off and stared at my manly meal. There were two full sausages and plenty of grits to keep me happy. My recent grits experience had left me disappointed, so I hoped these would be better. I dug into this boarish concoction and was quite pleased. The boar was decent on its own, but tasted great with that gravy and those grits. The grits were nice and creamy and blended well with the gravy. The bacon was also a nice touch. It was perfectly crispy and there wasn’t too much of it to overwhelm the taste of the wild boar.

I was pleasantly surprised by my Moonshadows experience. A lot of the time, restaurants with great views can get away with having subpar food, but Moonshadows definitely delivered.

In the beautiful land of Malibu, just a few feet from the ocean, sits Duke’s. They have one of the best locations around LA and retain a modestly priced lunch and dinner menu. They even have an outdoor seating area with its own bonus menu, which is where I always prefer to sit.

On my last trip, I took advantage of their lunch menu, which had some good-looking offerings, but the one that stood out the most to me was the Caramel Roasted Turkey Stack. The list of ingredients were an unvegan dream; roast turkey on a ciabatta roll, with applewood smoked bacon, havarti cheese, avocado and mango chutney aioli. A sandwich with no tomatoes or lettuce is rarer than the tamaraw, so I knew it had to be mine.

While waiting for my sandwich, I drank some beer and looked out into the ocean. When my sandwich arrived, I realized that my dream sandwich was too good to be true. In one of the layers, among those delightful ingredients, sat slices of those diabolical tomatoes. The best I could do was pick them out while yearning for what cound have been. It took a while, as the tomato seeds are always nasty little buggers to be picking out.

With all the tomato remnants removed, I was left to enjoy my sandwich. It was a really good sandwich, and all the correct ingredients went really well together. Unfortunately, Duke’s made the fatal mistake of putting in an unwanted ingredient, which spoiled any true enjoyment I may have gotten out of my meal.

Oh, and the waffle fries were awesome.

PS: Despite this unfortunate vegetable-ized experience, I have had good luck in the past with the Huli Huli Sandwich, Charbroiled Cheeseburger and Mango BBQ Burger, all successfully ordered without veggies.