Sometimes I feel like my wife searches the interwebs for places to get bone marrow. Or at least that’s what I assumed when she recommended we go to The Lark in Santa Barbara. Of course, bone marrow was a prominent part of the menu. Fortunately, I am also a fan of that stuff and the rest of the menu seemed intriguing as well.

There’s not much to be said from my perspective about the bone marrow. I’ve kind of reached the point where it all tastes pretty much the same and that it really comes down to what you eat the marrow on. The Lark matched all my expectations and you really couldn’t ask for more.

The main course was a tough decision, but after much deliberation my waitress recommended the Grilled Lamb Belly. Having never eaten such a thing, but loving pork belly I figured why not? It was served with madras curry, roasted fuji apples, maple gastrique, French lentils, a poached egg, pickled jalapenos and crispy sage. It was a ridiculous amount of ingredients, but it was all worth it. The lamb belly was similar to pork belly in a lot of ways and just like pork belly it really relied on the flavors it was cooked with. It was super tender and didn’t have any of the “muttony” flavor that sometimes brings me down.

It’s also worth noting that The Lark is a pretty cool restaurant in terms of design. For example, the wife sat in a confession booth, while I just sat in a plain old chair. Regardless, what really matters is that The Lark serves up some tasty belly to fill up my belly.

As with most breakfast places in Southern California, there has to be some sort of Mexican influence. Dawn Patrol in Santa Barbara is no different. So as I stood in line waiting to place my order, I had plenty of time to think about what to get. Like many breakfasts before, I couldn’t take my eyes off of the Breakfast Burrito.

But this was no ordinary breakfast burrito. Where others are often just a combination of meat, cheese, egg and potatoes, Dawn Patrol’s goes a different route. It’s filled with an over-easy egg, Oaxacan cheese, fire-roasted salsa, avocado and beans. And not just any beans: heirloom beans. I have no idea what that means, at least in the flavor realm, but I was excited to find out. I also added bacon to my burrito for good measure.

The result was pretty fantastic. I mean it’s hard to go wrong with all of those things mixed together in a burrito and Dawn Patrol didn’t disappoint. It was also a nice balance of flavor that can be hard to get in a breakfast burrito stuffed with hash browns. The tortilla was griddled to a nice crisp that added a bit of crunch to the texture and made itself more than just a container.

As far as breakfast burritos go, I couldn’t have asked for much more than what Dawn Patrol had to offer.

In Santa Barbara there’s a spot called the Public Market. It’s kind of like an upscale food court, but most importantly there is a bar that attracts Michigan fans called The Garden. It’s not your typical sports bar, and is a sort of attempt to be a beer or wine garden. Whatever the case, I was eager for some beer and a burger.

What I found was The Market Burger. It came topped with a whole bunch of stuff I had no interest in, like lettuce, tomato, onion and pickles. But it also came with provolone and Russian dressing, which I felt were acceptable.

It took a surprisingly long time for my burger to come out, and at one point I saw a very un-unvegan (with all the toppings) burger come around that no one was willing to claim. It was sliced in half and I could see it had been cooked to medium-rare, but alas it wasn’t mine.

Shortly after, my burger arrived and was in a strange state. The patty was cut in half and the bun was still complete. It didn’t take a fool to realize that this was the original unclaimed burger that had been thrown back on the griddle with a fresh set of cheese. It tasted like it too. There were bits of the previous toppings on the burger, and the burger was overcooked. Moreover, being weirdly cut this way made it a real pain to eat.

In all, you can probably guess that this was not one of my favorite meals. In fact, probably the only thing that would bring me back would be a Michigan game timed somewhere outside the realm of normal meal time.

Walking into Brophy Bros. in Santa Barbara, based on the name, I expected some sort of frat house with waiters walking around with sweaters tied around their shoulders and referring to everyone as “Bro,” “Brah,” and “Brosef.” Instead, I found a seafood restaurant. Not sure which I would have preferred, as I seem to be finding myself at seafood places quite often lately, and I am not enjoying the pattern. Nonetheless, I rapidly found the most unhealthy dish on the menu, Fish ‘n’ Chips.

Despite the many terms we have changed from the original British, I find it very interesting that Fish ‘n’ Chips has withstood the test of time and more than 200 years of independence that other terms like “trousers” and “honour” couldn’t. I don’t mind though, since Fish ‘n’ Fries doesn’t have the same ring I can’t really imagine eating fish with potato chips.

My fried fish arrived soon enough and I began eating. They were a bit soggier than I would prefer and had that uncomfortable fishy smell to them. They were in dire need of the two sauces that were provided, and even those weren’t anything spectacular. In the end, I was full, but not really satisfied. The fish and chips had tasted just okay and left a lot to be desired.

After a long day of drinking in Santa Barbara, I stumbled upon a little hole in the wall joint called Mad Dogs. Hot dogs were their specialty, which was perfect for me to soak up the remains of the day.

They had a variety of hot dog choices to please anyone, and I decided to do a little custom thing. I ordered a bacon and cheese dog with a side of cheese fries. Apparently I am not afraid of destroying my arteries in one sitting.

The price was a little steep, but so is everything in Santa Barbara, so I just chalked it up to the location.

When my food was done, it looked quite nice. I was a bit baffled by the fact that my hot dog went way beyond the size of the bun. You would think that a place specializing in hot dogs would be able to match up sizes better, but apparently not. The real issue with this was not so much that the dog didn’t fit, but that the parts of the dog that didn’t fit were naked, cheeseless and baconless.

The cheese on both the dog and fries tasted pretty dry, which was a strange feeling. It tasted almost dehydrated, which was probably better for my health, but not very good for my taste buds.

Nonetheless, I scarfed down all of my food in a few minutes and was ready to tackle the rest of the night. Mad Dogs was a great drunken stop, but a sober man could certainly find some better food in the area.

The forest looks like a starving man’s dreamland; a virtual cornucopia of food. Greenery and growth is everywhere. It is so alive, and seemingly so edible. Sure, there are plants in the forest that can be eaten and potentially digested, but the taste alone should be enough to drive anyone away.

Now there is even more cause to fear wild plants: death. According to the AP, a man recently passed away after eating wild (amanita ocreata) mushrooms in Santa Barbara.

While tragic, this just goes to show that vegetables are out to kill. To make matters worse, he had picked the mushrooms so he could eat them with a steak. This certainly ruined what could have been a perfectly good (and safe) meal.

In the wild, as in the real world, vegetables must be considered a dangerous threat. How many more lives do they have to take before we all join together and say “Enough!”?

Hidden away in the city of Buellton in Santa Barbara County is popular little restaurant called The Hitching Post II. This, of course, is the sequel to The Hitching Post I. I don’t know when restaurants started getting sequels, but I hoped this sequel was more along the lines of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze than Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights.

They claim to have the world’s best BBQ, which I had my doubts about, having eaten BBQ in Kansas City. Nonetheless, I ordered the 10 oz. Prime Top Sirloin Steak, cooked medium, which is from Cornfed Midwestern Beef (does this make the meat eerily similar to corned beef?). The steak came with a choice of rice pilaf, mashed potatoes and french fries. I went with the fries because of of the winos from nearby Los Olivos recommended them. Next was the tricky part, because it also came with a choice of soup, salad and shrimp cocktail (I got to choose two). I didn’t want to get the shrimp and ruin my steak appetite, but I also couldn’t get vegetable soup or salad. Damn you The Hitching Post II for giving me unrealistic options. A real BBQ place would have offered me at least corn or beans. Offering garlic bread only mildly made up for it.

When my steak did come it looked great, just not at all like BBQ. I found out that this is called Santa Maria BBQ and is nothing like the BBQ that I am used to. Rather it’s like when I go out to my hibachi grill and cook myself a steak. When I tasted it, however, I found the difference between the amateur steaks I make and these professionals.  It was delightfully seasoned with what they call “magic dust” and perfectly cooked. The fries were also nice and crunchy.

I would never recommend it to someone who was looking for good BBQ, but anyone hoping for a great steak couldn’t do much better than The Hitching Post II.