I’ll be the first to admit that long ago I wrote off Kona Grill as a generic bar and grill kind of spot with reheated food for yuppy types. Yet, when my coworkers and I ventured out for lunch one day and found ourselves at Kona Grill in Chandler, I didn’t protest because it still deserved a fair shot and who would I be to not give it one?

While literally everyone else at the table ordered the chopped salad, obviously I was not going to take that route. Instead, I went with the BBQ Chicken Flatbread. It was topped with cheddar cheese, BBQ sauce, the chicken itself, gouda, red onion and cilantro. Looking back, it was probably the gouda that sold it for me more than anything else because gouda is god’s cheese. I ordered it without the onions and eagerly awaited the hungry looks on everyone else’s faces.

The hungry looks came as they realized just how cheesy this flatbread was and certainly I was happy to find this cheesiness as well. In fact, it even seemed like the flatbread was actually prepared in the kitchen because it was slightly misshapen. Admittedly, it was pretty satisfying. I mean that in the sense that Kona Grill did what it had to do. Was it anything special? No. And while I would never seek out Kona Grill just to get a taste of that flatbread, it at least proved to me that I could find something reasonably good to eat if I found myself there again.

There is no denying that much of my heart belongs in the state of Wisconsin, where I spent many summers of my life. So when Michigan loses a football game to Wisconsin, I may hate it, but I’m also weirdly more okay with it than I am with losing to just about any other team. But what does this have to do with food? Well, Wisconsin produced a fast food place called Culver’s, which is actually in Phoenix. So afters years of not being in Wisconsin, I revisited the Scottsdale location of Culver’s to see if it could bring me back to my days in Wisconsin.

I ordered up a Double Cheddar Butterburger with Bacon because, I mean, obviously. And what’s really cool about Culver’s is that they don’t add any other ingredients unless requested, so my burger was literally just bacon and cheddar. On top of that,  instead of some crappy typical fries or whatever for the side, I went with Wisconsin Cheese Curds.

The burger was a thing of fast food beauty. The cheese had been reasonably melted and the patties were cooked in the ideal fast food way, with some crispiness around the edges and a slightly chewy interior. The bun was also nice and soft, doing a great job of handling contents. Probably the only thing that seemed a little subpar was the bacon, which was just whatevsies.

As for the cheese curds, they were a little overly breaded for my taste. Full disclosure, I prefer my cheese curds naked and unfried, so I’m always a little undersatisfied with fried curds, but at least if you’re going to do it I prefer a light breading and these weren’t light. Nonetheless, they were plenty squeaky and I mean, beggars can’t really be choosers when you’re living in Arizona.

In the end, Culver’s brings a Midwestern flair to fast food, which is certainly a good thing, but it’s still inhibited to a certain degree by being fast food. If they can figure out how to work fresh cheese curds into their supply chain, though, the game would change forever.

Brio may be a chain, but it’s the kind of chain I can get behind. After all, steaks are a central component of the menu at the place. Of course, with an Tuscan theme it’s possible to get some light pasta or something else crazy, but I am a man who doesn’t generally turn down the opportunity for a steak.

But I couldn’t just start with that. After all, I was at a table with others and we began with a few appetizers. But as much as I liked the the bruschetta, spinach-artichoke dip and flatbread, it was merely filler on my way to steak.

I usually like to go with a ribeye, but Brio’s was said to be espresso rubbed. I ain’t got time for coffee because I hate the stuff, so instead I went with the New York Strip. Through my waiter’s thickly-accented and nearly indecipherable suggestion, I had mine crusted with gorgonzola and ordered medium-rare. It arrived with a random spring of rosemary, but otherwise just as I had intended. As far as New York Strips go, this steak delivered. The gorgonzola was a bit of a distraction from the beefy flavor, but I can never complain about cheese and this doesn’t seem like the right time to do so because it was still delicious. The steak had been cooked to a perfect medium-rare, but at times was somewhat dry. I can chalk this up to the steak not being as fatty as the ribeyes that I am used to, but alas I couldn’t help but desire a bit more in the juiciness department.

I should also mention that the steak came with a choice of sides. I went with the Fingerling Potatoes Brio, which were topped with a delicious cream sauce and cooked until the outsides were crisp and the insides were nice and tender. There was nothing not good about these.

As far as the chains go, though, Brio was pretty tasty. I can’t speak for how true it is to its alleged Tuscan roots, but they sure knew how to cook a steak pretty well.

How many times have you sat around late at night eating either Taco Bell, Doritos or both and thought how amazing it would be to combine the two? I know I have. So when Taco Bell first started testing their new Doritos Locos in Fresno and Bakersfield last year, I was almost tempted to pay one of those cities a visit. Thankfully, I did not make the mistake of setting foot in one of those cities, and the testing was obviously a success, because at midnight this morning Taco Bell rolled out their Doritos Locos Tacos for the nation. If you’re unfamiliar with the Doritos Locos, they are essentially your regular or supreme tacos, but with a giant Nacho Cheese Dorito as the shell. Usually I can wait to try Taco Bell’s new products, but for this I had to be there right at midnight.

When we pulled into the drive-thru, we were shocked to find the place deserted. The clock had just struck midnight and I had expected a throng of people to be eagerly anticipating the launch of their glorious new tacos. Confused, we asked if they were doing the Doritos tacos thing and they replied by asking us if it was midnight yet. Hell yes it was (wait, were we one about to be one of the first few people to get our mitts on these things on the West Coast?), so we proceeded to order our tacos, mine without lettuce of course.

Before going any further, I should mention here that the shell (at least on opening night) could only be used for regular or supreme tacos. There was no room for chicken tacos or gordita crunches because apparently the shell isn’t equipped to handle them. This was sad, but I can only hope that in time the same engineering geniuses that made a Dorito into a taco shell will be able to make the taco shell strong enough to handle other meats and/or cheese dousings.

But back to the tacos.

These guys were so special that not only did they come in a regular wrapper, but also a sort of Doritos Locos Tacos envelope sleeve. This struck me as a potential waste of packaging, but it also occurred to me that these sleeves were likely there to preserve the shell and prevent it from cracking under pressure like hard shells often do.

Finally, I bit in and came face-to-face with glory. This shell was everything I had ever wanted it to be and nothing more. How could there be anything more? My expectations were so astronomically high that they couldn’t possibly be exceeded, but they were met. The combination of that perfect Doritos taste combined with the Taco Bell meat flavoring that simply can’t be reproduced (even when you buy the Taco Bell branded seasoning at the store) joined each other in perfect harmony. It was a match made in fake Mexican food heaven, and it was all mine. Really, the only downside was the saltiness, which should be expected when you eat such things, so be sure to keep water on hand if you are going Locos.

I really hope this thing gets big and stays big, because I know more than a few people who would love to see the Doritos Locos expand into Cool Ranch and Spicy Nacho. Hey, if Taco Bell could pull off something of this magnitude with Doritos, I’m pretty sure they could do anything.

About 10 or so years ago, the world began to see commercials for a fast food burger place called Sonic. These commercials were often both funny and hunger-inducing. Unfortunately, though, Sonics were only in select locations throughout the country. Yes it was annoying, but it was also genius, because it whet the appetite for Sonic with people who had never even seen the place. The idea was that when they would finally see one, whether in travel or with a new one being built, they would want nothing more than to devour their burgers. And it worked, at least on me. When I saw my first Sonic years ago while driving through Independence, Missouri, I just had to try it. I remember it being good, but this was pre-meat blog and in the middle of a cross-country road trip, so the memory is mostly blur filled with the knowledge that the meal kept my internal fuel running just as long as I needed it to.

But just this weekend, on the way to Las Vegas, I came across another Sonic and decided it needed a proper tasting. The town was Victorville, California, and the Sonic was just off the highway amidst some other tasty-looking fast food-esque restaurants. One thing unique about Sonic is their old-fashioned drive-in spots. Notice, I didn’t say drive-thru because while they have that, they also have the spots where you order from your car and a server brings out the food on roller skates.  We opted for the drive-in, which I hadn’t experienced since I was a wee child at an A & W in Michigan.

As for the food, the girlfriend told me their Cherry Lime Slush was unbeatable, so I started with one of those to split, then moved on to the big gun: The Super Sonic Bacon Double Cheeseburger. Although served with lettuce, tomato, onions and pickles, when I asked for it plain, it seemed fit for an unvegan. Then, to make the meal even more frightening, I ordered Chili Cheese Tots simply because I had never seen such substances offered on tots.

Soon enough, the food was roller skated out to greet us. I was a little disappointed with the lack of a window tray (like a regular fast food tray with things to stick it to the window like a table). I remember A & W had those, but perhaps they now only exist in memory. I opened up the burger to find it had been prepared perfectly, then I began to take it down. What I found was a pretty good bacon cheeseburger. And that’s kind of where it ends. In Sonic’s commercials, they would say, “It’s not just good, it’s Sonic good” but in my case it was just simply good. Ultimately it tasted like a fast food burger that was better than your typical fast food, but not good enough to reach the level of Five Guys Burgers and Fries or In-N-Out Burger. The tots were similarly good and while they earned Sonic points for creativity, they didn’t change the game.

Also, there was the Cherry Lime Slush. I do love me a slush and was happy to see that Sonic had them. The slush did deliver migraine-level brain freezes to each of us, but I still definitely appreciated the addition of these frozen beverages on the menu.

So for the gimmick of old-fashioned drive-in food, Sonic delivers some good food. Unfortunately it just isn’t quite good enough to merit multiple return visits based on the food alone.

Arby’s has always been kind of a fringe fast food chain. You can find it all over the country, but it isn’t exactly on every corner. Perhaps this is the reason it has taken me so long to review them. Or perhaps the reason is because I once heard their meat begins its life as a liquid. Whatever the case, a golden opportunity to chow down on some potentially formerly liquid meat presented itself at the Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport.

Being an airport restaurant, this Arby’s wasn’t sporting the crazy cheap sandwiches they are typically known for, but the prices weren’t terribly bad. I opted for their Classic Beef ‘n Cheddar Sandwich. This thing started with a roll and was filled with slices of roast beef, a cheddar sauce and some sort of strange red sauce. With Mexican food, you don’t question the red sauce, but with Arby’s I was a bit confused. Yet, it didn’t scream “veggie” and neither did anything else on the sandwich, so I accepted it. I then upgraded to a combo for some curly fries and a drink.

Before I even filled my drink cup, my sandwich was ready for eating. Chowing down, I found exactly what I expected: salty, mostly texture-less beef. Coupled with a cheese sauce that’s a slight upgrade from nacho cheese, this was fast food personified. The roll was pretty good and actually would have worked well on a burger, too. It wasn’t anything crazy, but it did its job. Finally, there was the strange red sauce. This stuff definitely wasn’t ketchup, but it did have a slight tomato-vinegar flavor. Hell, the ladies behind the counter didn’t even know what it was. They also had never heard the name Zachary before, so I don’t know what I was expecting when asking the about the sauce.

Oh, by the way, the fries are awesome. Definitely the best fast food curly fries since A & W gave up on good food.

It’s hard to give Arby’s a bad rating or a good rating. It knows it isn’t pumping out high quality sandwiches, but it does make them fast and free of veggies. I hear their Market Fresh Sandwiches are pretty good, but who goes to a place like Arby’s for something fresh?

Wienerschnitzel and the concept of a hot dog chain restaurant has always intrigued me. Since I was a little kid, I have loved me some hot dogs, and finally I got the opportunity to check out Wienerschnitzel when the bright yellow and red a-frame restaurant in Valley Village called my name loud enough. I had some strange expectations for this place, because it’s really hard to mess up a hot dog, but they can be messed up and it doesn’t matter what ingredients you toss on top if the dogs can’t hold their own.

With this in mind, it took me a while to figure out what to order. They have some good-looking dogs with chili, relish, Chicago-style and whatnot. They all looked good and could be upgraded to 100% beef for a buck more than their regular prices. I’m guessing this meant the regular ones were pork. After much deliberation, I settled on a good barometer for hot dogs: chili and cheese. I upgraded the dog to beef and also got a chili cheeseburger. These were both fit for an unvegan with no vegetable ingredients to order without.

My food was ready almost instantly and I was ready to get down with some dog. What I found could best be described as decent. For starters, the hot dog had good beefy flavor, but little to no snap. There were a couple bites where I couldn’t tell if I had snagged any dog or not because of the lack of snap. Next was the chili. This added just about nothing. The flavor wasn’t bad at all, because you can’t be bad if you are nonexistent. I don’t know if it was simply browned water, but someone forgot to spice this chili. The cheese was good, but cheese is always good. Finally, the bun worked well enough as a dog-carrying conduit, but was spongy and just fit well with the rest of the dog.

As for the burger, this transcended decency, but in the wrong direction. The patty was slightly thicker than paper and every couple bites I would crunch into something. I don’t know what it was, but I knew I didn’t want it in my mouth. A burger should not be crunchy. Similarly, the chili added nothing to the burger and the cheese did its job. Once again, I was disappointed in the bun, because it was just too big for a burger of this size. Had the burger actually tasted good, the bun would have sapped the flavor. In this case, maybe it was there to hide the lack of goodness inside.

Sorry, Wienerschnitzel, maybe hot dogs just aren’t cut out to be the centerpieces of chain restaurants. Next time I’ll keep it real and head to Vicious Dogs.

Yes, you read that right: A First Time for Olive Garden. Somehow this Italian chain restaurant, which finds itself in every big or small city in the country, has evaded me for my whole life. But on Friday that all changed. I found myself at Olive Garden for the first time and I was eager to find out what all the fuss was about. It all started with bread sticks.

Of all the things I had heard about Olive Garden in my life, the bread sticks always seemed to stick in people’s minds. And with good reason. These light, fluffy bread sticks were seasoned with the perfect amount of butter, garlic and salt. Plus, they just keep coming until the real meal comes. Of course, by then you are so stuffed with these bread sticks you wish you had ordered the rest of your meal to go.

As for the main course, they all seemed to come with a soup or salad. Both of these were also unlimited and I chose the chicken and gnocchi soup. This creamy soup was the first time I had ever experienced gnocchi outside of a normal dish. I was surprised to find that those delicious potato dumplings worked great in soup, making it almost like gnocchi with a watery alfredo sauce.

And in order to get said soup, I first had to order a main dish. That dish of choice was the Five Cheese Ziti al Forno. I had a hard time making this choice because I wanted something meaty, but I couldn’t resist getting five cheeses in my belly. When the dish I arrived I added one more cheese to the mix – fresh grated parmesan. Then I went to work on devouring my dish. It was pretty delicious. The sauce was light and not overpowering, but still packed some great flavor. Although there was marinara involved, the cheese was definitely the dominant flavor. I would have liked some meat in it, but it was still a tasty meal.

So after holding out for 26 years, Olive Garden was definitely worth the wait. The unlimited bread sticks, creamy gnocchi soup and ziti were just what I would have expected from the place and although the main course didn’t blow me away, it still did what it had to do.

Everyone knows The Cheesecake Factory for their namesake. And those people are also probably aware that The Cheesecake Factory is a full-on restaurant with a restaurant about as massive its portions. Sadly, when I went to Cheesecake in Beverly Hills, my stomach wasn’t treating me as well as it usually does. So naturally, as an unvegan, I turned to fried chicken. Yeah, that’s right.

So what fried chicken did I turn to? Cajun Chicken Littles.

At 13.95, these seemed to be well-priced and the sides of succotash and mashed potatoes seemed agreeable to my ways. But I have to say that this was not an easy decision. Like I said before, the menu is just immense and the portions are huge, so calling the chicken “littles” seemed perfect for a meal that I wasn’t very hungry for.

Well I was way off. While the pieces of chicken could (in some alternate universe) be considered little, the portion most certainly was not. On my plate I found a stack of 14 pieces of chicken. Yes, 14! Plus the mashed potatoes and succotash. No small portion indeed. I started my attempt to chip away at the chicken portion and realized I could do little damage, due to my hunger. Nonetheless, this did not get in the way of my enjoyment of the little I did eat. The breading had been fried to the perfect crisp and while these were essentially chicken strips, there was definitely a touch of Cajun spice in them. I would ordinarily have liked some stronger spice, but I think my tender stomach was happy the flavor was so subtle.

I was glad to see that the succotash was mostly corn and made sure to pick away at said corn while avoiding peppers, cucumbers and whatever other terrible veggies they decided to throw in. The mashed potatoes were packed with delicious skin and a flavor that needed no salt. They made a delicious side and certainly would have been a perfect buffer if the chicken had been spicy enough to require one.

So despite my stomach, I really did enjoy my Cheesecake Factory experience. The leftover chicken sustained me for two more meals and although the subsequently reheated chicken wasn’t as good as the original, I was still quite impressed. I’d love to head back to Cheesecake on a better stomach to tackle the Cajun Chicken Littles in one sitting, but this time I’ll be sure to ask them to add some more kick.

It’s hard to believe that in the year-plus of writing for my meat blog, I have managed to not step foot in Hooters. Yet, somehow, I have avoided that magical land of orange booty shorts and ummm owls. But fear not, because after a little birthday reminder attached to a free entree coupon, I went back to visit my old friend. I took with me one of my only friends who actually appreciates Hooters for what it has to offer.

When we walked into the Santa Monica location, we were greeted by friendly faces. Now to be honest, I didn’t actually find the women working there that impressive. They were definitely friendly and cute, but there are just so many beautiful women in LA that these just didn’t impress too much. This only helped me concentrate on the food to make sure my review was unbiased.

Apparently on Wednesdays, Hooters has a pretty amazing deal that includes 10 boneless wings and curly fries for only five bucks. Although I prefer my wings fully boned, this was pretty hard to pass up, but I knew it wouldn’t be enough to satisfy me. So in addition to that, my buddy and I split an additional 10 wings for $9.49. For the boneless wings, I chose their second spiciest sauce, called 3 mile Island. For my additional five wings I decided to try out their spiciest sauce, called 911. One would think the location of the nuclear meltdown would merit the spiciest sauce at Hooters, but one would be wrong. On top of all that, I figured I could use some cheese with my fries so I ordered a side of that.

After about 15 minutes, our meal arrived. The boneless wings looked pretty tiny, but there were still enough to make the deal work. The 3 Mile Island sauce tasted great and reminded me of what I had missed about Hooters. It would have tasted better on real wings, but again it was too hard to pass up the deal. As for the fries, unfortunately, the cheese that I had ordered for them had a arrived in a sad, congealed state. I alerted the waitress and she brought me a new cup of cheese in exactly the same state, so I am led to believe this was not a simple mistake and this was actually how the cheese was meant to be served. This would have been okay if the fries had been hard and crispy, but sadly they were a little wimpy and hardly able to penetrate the thick top layer of the cheese. I lost a lot of good fries that night and would have lost more if it wasn’t for the courage of a few good (heavily coiled) fries.

Finally, there were the real wings with the 911 sauce. They sat on one of Hooters’ signature brown plates with a pool of oil already forming around them. After a quick dip in blue cheese, they were ready for eating. Now these were some wings. The sauce wasn’t painfully spicy and actually didn’t send me running for water or beer. Instead, the spice gave me a kick and a smile. This was the real reason to come to Hooters. Sure, the girls are nice and the atmosphere is enjoyable, but it’s really all about the wings.

In addition to my own wings, I tried a couple of my buddy’s Spicy Garlic and Hot flavors. Although the chicken part was good, I would definitely advise against these. The Spicy Garlic really just taste kind of oily with a hint of garlic and the Hot wings aren’t very spicy at all. No need to waste stomach space on these guys.

So in the end, Hooters is still a good place for wings if that’s what you’re looking for. If you’re looking for some of the other things that Hooters offers (wink wink), make sure to head to the Hollywood location, because Santa Monica probably won’t impress you.