Whenever I go to Burger King, I make sure to order without any vegetables. Today a friend of mine told me that I am not alone. A man named Darius Dugger has a lawsuit claiming that he ordered a meal without pickles, onions and tomatoes and Burger King failed to give it to him his way.
According to Hamptonroads.com, Dugger had a “severe allergic reaction” to the vegetables. Now I’m not in favor of suing a corporation over an incident like this, especially when he should have looked between the patties before biting in, however, I am proud of him for bringing the incident to national attention.
I wanted to write about this topic specifically because I fully support respecting chickens.
The best way I can think of to respect them is by eating them. I’m not sure if that’s what the United Poultry Concerns had in mind when they thought up this crazy day, but it’s sure how I feel. Just the thought of chickens makes me hungry. It’s something like eating the heart of a warrior that you have bested in the battlefield. We respect the chickens because we absorb their strength.
Until today, the thought of alfalfa brought a smile to my face. Of course, I’m not referring to the strange green plant, but the strange little boy from The Little Rascals. His hair always inexplicably stuck up right in the back and for some reason I always found that entertaining. Now, however, the thought of alfalfa gives me chills that make the hair on my arms stick up.
The reason is salmonella. A disease that has been recently linked by the FDA to alfalfa. They are recommending people avoid raw alfalfa sprouts until further notice (or until the end of time if you read between the lines in the way I do). Supposedly other sprouts are safe, but I wouldn’t rule out some sort of a sprout conspiracy.
In the long line of vegetable attacks, we unvegans now just have one more compelling reason to avoid those deadly and diseased vegetables.
As if you need another reason not to become a vegetarian, today’s entry in the day-by-day calendar, “What’s Your Poo Telling You?,” should give you enough of a reason.
According to the calendar:
The average lifetime production of poo: five tons.
150 grams of stool per day x 365 days per year x 80 years = 4380 kilograms (9656 lbs.) of stool.
A vegetarian diet can produce fifteen to twenty tons over a lifetime!
That’s a lot of extra vegetarian poo, which obviously has disastrous personal and environmental consequences. All those extra hours spent sitting on the toilet when they could be out spending time with the family or searching for protein supplements? And imagine just how much extra water the vegetarians use to flush their abnormally persistent bowel movements. Not only that, but the amount of waste generated by the said vegetarian movements must reach monumental heights.
Is it really worth saving the edible animals, just to see Earth’s ecosystem suffer? Remember, if there is no world, there won’t be any plants or animals.
Oh yeah, bonus points go to Fi for getting me this wonderfully disturbing calendar.
I hope you all appreciated my little April Fool’s joke yesterday. Never fear, I’m still around and just as unvegan as ever.
Today I would like to call attention to Jennifer McCann, my first Unvegan Enemy. In response to the incredible…nay, fantastic website, thisiswhyyourefat.com, McCann has founded the absurd, yet painfully popular, thisiswhyyourethin.blogspot.com. I mean, come on, she couldn’t even pay GoDaddy ten bucks to register her own domain name? She obviously has no qualms with loading the page with ads and hawking her book…
On a recent sojourn down to Cancun, Mexico, I decided to be a little adventurous. Some may say foolish, but I prefer adventurous. For days, I had spent my time at the resort happily eating meats, cheeses and fruits. I was in bliss, and for my final meal, I sat down to order something fancy. In doing so, I committed a great sin against my fellow unvegans. It is a moment I scarcely remember, and I almost feel as if some sort of vegetable demon took possession of my body and held on just long enough to force me to spout the words required to ask for a salad to accompany my utterly meaty main course.
No sooner than an hour after my meal concluded, I found myself pacing around my hotel room, pondering the volatile chemical reactions occurring deep within the confines of my belly. I headed to the bathroom, to find that Montezuma had decided to exact his revenge upon me through an intense case of the runs. When I had completed my initial bowel cleansing, I went back into my room to consider whether the recent movement was due to the salad. As if to answer, a wave of nausea swept over me and carried me into the bathroom for a vomit full of salad. As the lettuce left me, I also felt as if I was exorcising myself of the vegetable demon. I had made a most terrible mistake and was paying for it tenfold. It is a mistake I never plan to make again.
*Thanks to my buddy and one-time euchre partner over at the protean pantry for reintroducing me to such a marvelous clip. I took the liberty of further researching and came upon a most glorious Spanish rendition of the clip.
According to an article in the New York Times, rural farmers of California have begun a movement to secede and create a second California. This is due to the city folk passing measures to regulate the conditions of animals on farms. It is clear that these city folks do not understand what it takes to be a farmer, to live off of the land. As a city folk myself, I can only imagine the hardships of life on the farms. The people passing these measures are putting the welfare of animals above the welfare of people, because if a farm is unable to maximize profit, they will not be sustainable and then the farmers will suffer.
Besides, the grocery stores that used to get their meat from California farmers now have to buy it from other states where the cost of production is cheaper.
The forest looks like a starving man’s dreamland; a virtual cornucopia of food. Greenery and growth is everywhere. It is so alive, and seemingly so edible. Sure, there are plants in the forest that can be eaten and potentially digested, but the taste alone should be enough to drive anyone away.
Now there is even more cause to fear wild plants: death. According to the AP, a man recently passed away after eating wild (amanita ocreata) mushrooms in Santa Barbara.
While tragic, this just goes to show that vegetables are out to kill. To make matters worse, he had picked the mushrooms so he could eat them with a steak. This certainly ruined what could have been a perfectly good (and safe) meal.
In the wild, as in the real world, vegetables must be considered a dangerous threat. How many more lives do they have to take before we all join together and say “Enough!”?
Every so often, there is vegetable recall due to tainted vegetables. Although I consider vegetables alone to be tainted by their flavor, there are often worse surprises in store for the hapless vegetable consumer. The most recent of which is the recall of Enoki Mushrooms. They have been recalled because they contain bacteria called listeria monocytogenes. I’ve never heard of this particular strain of bacteria, but a quick search on Wikipedia tells me that it’s damn dangerous.
It’s bad enough that Enoki Mushrooms are funghi. I mean really, if they were called “Enoki Funghi,” would anyone eat them? No, of course not. The term funghi conjures up images of athlete’s foot, slime molds and that strange thing that grew in your yard as a kid that you knew you shouldn’t have eaten, but did anyway, and then your parents had to call poison control and pump your stomach. Those things are all similar enough to Enoki Mushrooms that I won’t touch them, but now throw in listeria monocytogenes and you have a severe case of When Vegetables Attack!
NBC has chosen to ban the PETA commercial above from the Super Bowl because of how sexually charged it is. Kudos to NBC for showing the vegetarians who the boss is. But while I completely agree with banning the commercial, I disagree with the reasoning behind it. In the commercial, beautiful women in skimpy outfits can be seen sharing their screen time with vegetables, often performing sexually driven acts with them, ie. licking a pumpkin, rubbing breasts with asparagus.
To start off, I want to say that I am in no way against these women and their performances, for while I am against eating vegetables, I can completely see the merit in using vegetables in these forms. Also, I really have a hard time picturing that one girl using a steak instead of broccoli to…achem…help herself.
